I was pretty happy last weekend. The kitchen was clean for about a minute. Everyone had a clean pair of underwear for at least another day and I was able to resist the allure of all things gluten.
But then I got an alert from our bank - that's never a good thing, in case you were wondering - and everything went to shit: chaos ensued in the kitchen, people used said underwear and bread flanked me and I surrendered because I am so, so weak like that and then my body just wanted to die.
Someone or a group of people used our card number and spent $700 goddamn dollars at the following places last Sunday:
- not one, but TWO meat distributors. Must be nice to spend $400+ of money that's not yours on meat and poultry. I hope you undercooked your chicken and got sick, asshole.
- Stein-Mart. It's kind of like Marshalls, I guess. I don't know. But they spent almost $300 there. Hope you wash those clothes on hot and they shrink and your ass can't fit in them anymore.
- Wal-Mart. $28. How the fuck did you get out of that store and only spend $28? I hate you.
I had to call the bank on a Sunday. It's amazing how very casual they are when it comes to fraudulent charges. Like you're calling about making an appointment for a spa day or something.
Sure, Mrs. Kennedy. We will take care of you they say in their most insincere voice. I half expected them to ask if I wanted a glass of champagne while I waited.
In the meantime, I was yelling, having a panic attack, trying to recall all the bills I just paid and were going to go through on Monday and ohmygod I was ready to throw a fridge at someone's jugular because, yeah, my adrenaline was peaking.
In the aftermath, my basic understanding of how addition and subtraction failed me and now we're completely overdrawn on our account. It's like college all over again, only worse. So much worse.
Instead of crying, I took to the interwebs and came across something called extreme couponing. This is a thing? Apparently. Thank you, brain, for being so logical in my time of need.
I have never clipped a coupon in my life. Okay. Maybe once or twice, but then I'd forget about it or I'd get the wrong size of something and not read the coupon correctly and it was all a big waste of time.
This whole coupon thing is crazy. It's maniacal, it's stressful. Am I stockpiling to save or am I stockpiling for the end of the world? What have I gotten myself into?
This is all your fault, scum of the earth who stole our card information. You've got some small balls on you.