I've been granted some pretty special super powers

It's a tax-free weekend down here and the stores are packed with patrons purchasing back-to-school shit. Not me, though. I'm laughing, enjoying the spectacle of the bumper car entertainment happening in the crowded parking lots as I drive by.

Where am I going? I'm headed to the liquor store to get some wine. Priorities.

Also, I left my school supply list at home. My memory isn't great, which means my brain is working overtime just to keep me standing. I mean, I can't even tell you how old I am without doing the math and I stumble over the numbers all the time. Don't ask me to leave the tip on a restaurant bill because that process is too agonizing for everyone involved. 

But this song? I know EVERY SINGLE WORD.

Take that, college.

 

 

Suspicious Minds

Ugh.

The waiting room is full today - full of angry, seething, sweaty people. Someone in appointments fucked up big time. They're probably snacking on a bowl full of Skittles laughing about it right now with their feet up on their desks. 

I'm in an uncomfortable seat in the corner, think airline seat, but with less room and no armrests. When does beverage service start?

There's a woman next to me wearing a mask. No, not a luchadora mask, although that would've been cool and maybe slightly unsettling. It's one of those respiratory masks that don't really keep the germs at bay; she keeps coughing and sneezing and I'm pretty sure tomorrow I'll have the bubonic plague 21st century style. High five! She keeps staring at my purse. I've got nothing in it, lady, except a torn dollar bill, stickers reminding me to buckle up for safety and an old energy bar that probably should never be eaten by anyone who wants to stay alive.

The guy in front me has brought his three kids. They are not helping the situation by singing all the Frozen songs. I should probably get up and ask the receptionist for a pencil so I can stab my ears with it over and over again. The dad smiles up at me. My inner self yells at me to smile back, but I cannot bring myself to do so. Instinct takes over and suddenly there's a frown on my face. A shitty, disapproving smile that I immediately regret when I realize his arm is broken and he's got to handle this singing trio who have decided that all the chairs and tables are places to perch atop of and howl loudly.

I wonder if they know any Guns 'N Roses?

There's another guy standing against the wall by the entrance. If this were a bank, I'd say he was about to rob it which would kinda suck for him because really, how much money does a doctor's office keep in the till? He has a thick porn-stachey mustache and if I squint really hard, he looks like Tom Selleck. With blonde hair. And a beer belly.

The receptionist is talking with a co-worker which is all fine and good, but multiple phone lines are ringing and she's too busy telling her friend how hung over she was last weekend and how she's looking forward to going out and partying with her boyfriend again this weekend.  The receptionist looks like she's my mom's age.

Let's party 'til we're purple! 

The three kids have me surrounded, asking me questions: are you sick or dying? Why does your nose look like that? Is that your real hair color? Our dad likes brunettes. Do you want more kids?

Suddenly, it's really hot in here. Am I starting menopause right here or am I about to pass out? It's the new game of the week, folks.

Bank robber/Tom Selleck with blonde hair winks at me. My eyes divert to his footwear: black socks with brown sandals. Yay! I'm warranting the attention of some very high brow types and it's making me so joyous, I need to put my head between my knees and breathe slowly before I hyperventilate and wonder how the fuck did I get to this place in my life?

The nurse finally calls my name and asks how I'm doing. Grumpy and panicky? Instead, I smile weakly and say fine because no one wants to really know how you are.

Are you there cheap wine? It's me, Rhana

Groan.

Okay, summer hasn't been all sunshine and lollipops this year. I don't even need goddamn light and candy. All I'm asking for are some leftovers. Really.

We're still dealing with our home situation. My anxiety level is high, like I shouldn't be around sharp objects high. I've had severe chest pains. It seriously feels like Christian Bale's Batman did a sidekick into my chest and I landed into a wall that is now crumbling into my withering body. Notice how I didn't say Ben Affleck's Batman because if it were Affleck's Batman, the battle would still be going and I'd probably be kicking his ass. I am not a fan. You guessed that?

Yesterday, I ate my weight in food. Twice. I ate everything, including things that make me terribly sick because honestly, how much worse can I feel. Apparently, a lot worse. Gluten? Get over here. Dairy? I've missed you so very, very much. 

And then I spent the rest of the night curled up in bed wondering if I needed to throw up or go to the hospital and have them pump my stomach because getting your stomach pumped sounds like a jaunt through the park and hmmm, I wonder if I can do a Foursquare check-in there?

You know what's the unsung hero of the snack kingdom? Cheez Doodles and white wine. Yeah. All that cheesy stainy goodness all over your fingers and the fruity elixir cooling your throat. Holy shit. Did I hit rock bottom? This morning, that flavor combination sounds totally disgusting and my stomach paid the ultimate price for it last night. 

Today is the day that I start taking a more Zen approach to our situation and bring more positive light into my life. Unfortunately, its completely overcast outside and all I really wanna do is take a pool cue and smash it against the wall a few hundred times while screaming hilarious swear word combinations. Actually, that sounds like a really good idea. However, I don't know shit about drywall and I'm assuming Carl would want the wall repaired. What a goody two-shoes. 

Also, I need to start eating better because my health can't spiral down any more than it already has. But there's some leftover pizza in the fridge and it's full of gluten and calling out my name like the temptress she is. I can't say no to you, mozzarella cheese. 

I will never learn.

Where the heck is Will Smith when you need him, huh?

Will-Smith-Independence-Day.jpg

Well, 4th of July was fun.

Our neighbors started drinking around noon on Saturday to celebrate our independence from British rule. I know this because someone yelled out: We're drinking mother fuckers! Which was followed by a chanting of Chug! Chug! Chug! The music of choice at the time? Sam Smith And Taylor Swift because nothing says freedom like Lay Me Down and You Belong With Me.

The dogs barely tolerated this and showed their discontent by peeing in their yard.

By midnight, the neighbors were crying and were lamenting while listening to Scottish songs. I can only assume they had imbibed more alcohol. They are not Scottish, by the way. Volume level: there is a faint ringing in my left ear and I'm pretty sure I lost all sense of hearing in my right ear.

At 1am, the electronica music started while Carl and I were trying to watch Penny Dreadful. I really thought my raving days were over. I can still feel a thumping in my chest. Moby, is that you?

Around 3am, said neighbors lost track of time and decided to set more fireworks off because they like to entertain the neighborhood like that. People were yelling Fuck you!! over and over again. Then I heard Maroon 5 playing and then it made sense why there was all the fuck yous. I feel the same way, people. 

This is South Florida at its best. 

Punch me in the gut twice, why don't you?

I have to take the kids to Dave and Busters later. That's what happens when your kids have friends and your husband makes lame excuses like, 'well, I can't do it - I have work.'

Do you even know what Dave and Busters is? If you don't? I am jealous. So jealous and where's my genie lamp so I can make three wishes and one of them being to take away that part of my brain that has any knowledge of Dave and Busters.

D&B is the Costco for germs. It's also a place for dining, drinking and gaming - not always in that order.  

You'd think I'd love this place, but I don't. I despise it. The few times I've been there, I have had the worst panic attacks. One time, I found myself pulling paper towels from the dispenser to wrap around the door like a million times so I could hold on to it and steady myself while bratty kids kept calling me 'crazy lady' and their moms tried to shush them, but they gave me the evil eye. 

But the kids are really excited. I mean, I guess D&B beats out hanging out at the house with me and listening to me complain about the complexities of  dog hair in a shag rug.

At least this place has a full bar.

The myth of time

I don't even know what day it is.

Now that the kids are on summer vacation, days and nights bleed into one another and time is merely predicated by my stomach: oatmeal - morning. Sandwich - midday. Several sad trips into the pantry: 4ish. Swearing at the oven: 7. Cursing at the T.V. and complaining to Carl that I'm starving: 10ish and on.

This brings me to memory. I probably shouldn't be writing this at 3 in the morning since I'm tired and have had two glasses of fairly strong sangria made by yours truly (come on over and we can be drunk together - yay) and I probably have no clue what I'm typing right now, but oh joy! What fun I'll have reading this in the morning AFTER I've hit the publish button.

Lately, my memory has been playing tricks on me and I'm not sure what to make of it. One minute I'm thinking of something and the next minute, I'm trying desperately to grasp at the general idea of the thoughts from just a few minutes before. It's like trying to catch a butterfly with my bare hands - it's never gonna happen.

It's making me upset, frustrated, mad. Is there really an issue going on with this brain or is it just me being absent-minded as usual?  

Damn this brain. I want to shake it like a Magic 8 Ball and coax myself out of this fog, but nothing seems to work. Am I going crazy? Maybe, but try taking a nap first. And then maybe a heavy snack.

I don't know. I haven't told Carl because he'll laugh and just say I'm stressed out and need to relax, but what if the wires in my brain are really getting crossed? 

Then what?

Or maybe it's just the alcohol talking and I'm just fine. 

I had so much more to write, but I forgot what I wanted to say. Too bad I can't access my brain through osmosis.

Holy shit. I'm about to hit publish without proofreading this.

Welcome to the jungle.

This is what drowning must feel like sans water

I don't deal well with stress.

Asthma, panic attacks, hives, migraines, stomach pain, tears, non-sequiturs. It's a list full of how my brain and body hates on me constantly.

We may have to move. Like really fucking soon and I feel like throwing up. I hate packing and purging things. Really. There is this horrible pain in the left quadrant of my abdomen that also yells at me: you will pay! you will pay! Also, feed me - it's been almost five minutes since my last meal!

I like things in order, although you wouldn't know it by taking a look at our house: laundry on the pool table, are the clothes on the bed clean or dirty? What is that green/black thing growing in the back at the fridge? Whatever - at least I know it's there and it's not going anywhere. 

What I don't like is when unexpected things put a fucking dent in my plans and that seems to be happening a lot lately. 

I don't know what we're going to do. Carl may have plans, but me? I'm running around and freaking out like Lady Gaga with off the rack, cheap ass clothes on. 

I don't want to move. We seem to move every five years. At first it was fun. That was when I was in my 20s and 30s.

Now? I'd rather rub BenGay all over myself and roll around in dirt. 

Holy shit, I forgot about the laundry in the washing machine again. I think it's been there for two days.

If I have to see that Batman v. Superman trailer one more time, I'm gonna punch myself and then I'm gonna drive all the way to Pacific Palisades and punch Ben Affleck just so he can give me that constipated 'look I'm acting' look.

I really should bake something, right? Yeah, that sounds good, but that requires energy and right now, I don't have that energy, although I definitely have the energy to eat.

Is it too early to drink some sangria? It's fruity so it's okay before 3pm - isn't that a rule somewhere?

I infused vodka with watermelon because I think I'm a hipster sometimes even though I denounce them every chance I get. The vodka is looking so lonely in the fridge. It should probably meet my mouth.

I actually just typed that. 

The laundry really needs to be put away. I'll just sit here and laugh for a few minutes.

I want my muffin top to go away. Just like that. No work. I just want to fucking wake up and ta-da - I have abs of steel. I can just walk into one of those stupid crossfit places and bam! I've out-burpeed and out-kettlebell swung everyone in the joint.

Shit. Where's my Xanax?

I don't feel so good.

Can someone carry me to bed?

Birthdays are for eating so much, you gotta pull your granny panties up over your gut

It was my birthday the other day. I wished for many things including having Sean Connery come to the door and say, I found the cure for the plague of the 20th century and now I've lost it!

I'm still waiting. Pretty sure Carl hexed my candles. 

The dogs lost their goddamn minds when they saw the lit candles on top of my cake. Yapping, yipping, clawing my legs as they tried to jump closer to the candles. Apparently, they don't have a clue about birthday etiquette.

As I've gotten older, certainly celebrating birthdays are a good thing because life! But it's a fucking punch in the gut when you wake up in the morning and the entire top of your head is covered in grey/white hair. The second I see white armpit hair, it's over.

Perhaps I should just let my whole head of hair go grey. That's sort of an in thing right now. Or is this yet another way to humiliate and shame us middled-aged women like they so often do: 

Whatever.

Carl likes to tell the kids that I'm in 60's. It's kind funny, but then sometimes I see the boy staring at me with his head cocked to the side and I ask him what he's staring at and he'll say: Honestly, you don't look like you're a senior citizen.

There are consequences to lying to your children, Carl.

The toddler wished me happy birthday and then proceeded to tell everyone that the birthday cake was hers, but why didn't we get one with butterflies, blue butterflies because blue butterflies are her favorite.

Sheesh - toddlers can be incredibly dense sometimes. Like mother, like daughter.

I reminded the 12-year-old that it was my birthday:

Me: Don't I even get a hug?

12-yo: Mom, don't do that! I'm trying to write a song right now!

Fine, David fucking Foster - have it your way. Be emotionally stunted and see what type of songs you can write then.

Birthdays bring out the best in everyone, don't they?

 

The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat

I knew a few kids who were homeschooled when I was younger.

Total weirdos.

Well, that's how people judged them.

Frankly, I thought it was pretty cool - they got to stay at home, not get up at the crack of dawn, not have to wear a uniform and be subjected to middle school cliques, humiliations and meanness.

But being taught by your parents? Hmmmm. I couldn't imagine my parents trying to teach me any subject. It would end up in some Joy Luck Club resentment and then there would be crying, yelling and door slamming and homeschooling would end after only one hour.

Since then, however, I haven't thought about homeschooling. Until now.

The boy is a square peg being forced into a round hole at school. Certainly I could alleviate some anxiety and stress for him if I homeschooled him. Right?

I started researching. Holy fuck balls. What did I get myself into?  

After two weeks of research, I am exhausted and confused. 

I asked the boy about his thoughts on being homeschooled. 

Why would you do that to me? 

I was relieved by his answer and went back to researching something less taxing for my brain, like what happened to all the mean girls in my eight grade class.

Too much time on my hands. 

I think I'd rather live chat with myself and that sounds kinda dirty

I am currently live chatting with a customer service rep. This isn't exactly hell on earth, but goddamit, it's pretty close. According to the timer, I have now been waiting for 13.08 minutes. that's like an eternity, especially when you drank a bunch of tea and now your bladder wants to explode and your brain is doing it damndest to keep everything under control, but it's a losing battle.

Huzzah! Someone names Martin is now chatting with me. It takes Martin another 2.48 minutes to actually type something. My dogs can type faster than this. I'm assuming. 

Martin: How are you today, Rhana?

Really? That's what took you almost three minutes to type? What are you doing on your end? Images of someone on a computer in their house, drinking margaritas and ironing while live chatting assault my brain.

Me: I am fine, Martin. How are you?

I figure I should hide all traces of assholeness and be really nice to this person because they have the ability to make or break my day.

1.18 minutes later. . . 

Martin: How can I help you today?

I wonder if he just burned his finger on the iron while trying to kill the last of his margarita.

I'm tempted to ask if he can come over and help me clean my car.  Instead. . . 

Me: Well, this is the third time I've had to type this, but I need to return something.

Martin: I apologize for the inconvenience. Now what do you need help with?

Gawd. I want to bang the keyboard against my head until I forget this experience, but I'm a wimp so I resort to glaring and swearing at the computer screen.

Martin and I go back and forth for another few minutes and in the end, I still have no idea what the point of this live chat is for except to make me more irritated and rue the day technology came into my life. 

Me: Well?

Martin: Why don't you call us and we can help you over the phone.

Like fuck you can. I get on the phone and call for pizza instead because that usually solves a lot of my problems.