I realized after the 10-year-old went to sleep last night that he had forgotten to finish his geography homework.
Time? Just past midnight. Shit. Too late to wake him to do it.
Think, brain, think.
I looked over the three questions he didn't finish. Hmmmm. I totally knew the answers to these and I didn't even have to Google them!
Where was everyone? I needed someone to high-five. Instead, I was left with a sleepy, cranky dog whose concept of celebrating is barking and growling at the door every few minutes just because he fucking feels like it.
The power of being an asshole!
Anyway, back to the geography. I would just tell the boy the answers in the morning and he wold write them down. This wouldn't be cheating because he and I would have a long discussion about the home state of Abraham Lincoln, the Mississippi River and Algeria as we drove to school in the morning.
I'd be like PBS, but with some humor and perhaps a little bullshit. Just a little.
Because when he got up in the morning, he wouldn't have time to finish his homework because, like his mother, he's slow to rise and the brain refuses to wake from its slumber.
So today, he wrote down the answers for his homework and we forgot to talk about geography because my brain refused to wake from its slumber But at least he got all his homework done!
Me: So how was school today?
Me [excited]: How was your geography homework?
10-year-old [avoids eye contact]: About that. . .
Me: I know. I'm like the rock star of geography, right?
10-year-old: No. No, you're not. I got some wrong. The ones you helped me with.
[Laughter erupts from the 12-year-old]
Toddler: You cheated, but then you didn't. Mommy made you.
Me [dejected, irritated]: I didn't make anyone cheat. Now stop it.
10-year-old: Anyway, I think I would have been better off just not turning it in.
Me: That's what you get for not doing your own homework!
Don't have kids. They'll break your mother fucking spirit every time.